Ten Ways to Reduce the Urge to Fix People

Dear women, mothers, and people of the world,

The shaming needs to stop.

I know it may be hard to see a woman buying formula in Target. I know you look at their child and your heart aches with every ounce of nutrition that their mother withholds from them. I know that your stomach turns with every fruit snack, meat product, or processed cookie that those monsters jam into the throats of their children. I know that when you see a mother on her way to work you want to scoop up their neglected child and hug them so tight to make up for all of the love they’re never given. And when that other mother stays home and doesn’t work, I know that your frustration from their laziness gives you the rage required to lift them off of the sofa they’re fused to and catapult them into productivity. And let’s not start talking about vaccinations or women that decide to not have children.

It may be very hard to avoid saying or doing something to fix all of the inadequacies of women. Having the burden to teach the women of the world is exhausting. So I’ve compiled a few tips that will help you next time you feel the urge to fix someone.

1. Boxing Gloves. No, not for fighting, but to impede your ability to type whether on your phone, computer, or alternative device. If you have not yet invested in a pair, any pair of gloves will suffice. Please be sure that they are not the good gloves that have those fingertips that will allow you to type. I’m talking mittens. Although the words may be pouring through your mind and soul like the salmon of Capistrano, some good oven mitts will prevent you from clicking the send button.
2. Gorilla tape. We all know that if you really wanted to remove duct tape from your own mouth to say a few words, some saliva and a quick rip will remove the silence and any unwanted facial hair. Gorilla tape is MUCH more adhesive but by the time you expend all of your energy pulling it off, you will have cooled off and become extremely distracted. Don’t worry, it will still remove any unwanted facial hair.
3. Run. Not only does exercise relieve stress and anxiety, but coupled with proper direction, you can flee any situation involving something you vehemently disagree with. Always run away from problems, never towards them. Next time you read something on your phone that is upsetting, drop it and run away. If you see a mother with a crying kid in a grocery store and you want to tell them how to make it better, leave your cart and run right out of the store. Your body will be beach-ready by summer and your calves will thank you.
4. Paper bags. Bags were meant to carry your baggage, brown paper bags were meant to throw over your head and prevent you from seeing everyone else’s baggage. Bring one around and place it above your shoulders in the event that your glares go unnoticed and you begin to feel the urge to fix the world. Please note that plastic bags may not have the same results and may suffocate you. Do not suffocate yourself. Suitcases may also work, depending on the strength of your shoulders.
5. Eye Masks. Reducing your ability to open your eyes is a surefire way to prevent you from seeing any injustices caused by the hands of less adequate people. It is a perfect alternative to the paper bags but please, remember to avoid the use of eye masks when crossing the street.
6. Singing. If you feel the urge to say something, break out into song and dance. It seems to really unify people and lift people’s spirits in movies. This method will not work with any song, you MUST sing the lyrics to Three’s Company or else this will not work.
7. Learn a new language. Yes, instead of saying things in a language another person will understand, say it in Klingon, Elvish, or Dothraki. You will be able to say all of the things you wanted to say without inciting any hostility. Please note that this is a last resort option in the event that all other options do not help.
8. Redirect your energy. Plant a tree, paint a fence, play Sudoku, memorize the Declaration of Independence, share your infinite wisdom with your offspring so that they, one day, can be as guided and knowledgeable as you are.
9. Solve the Good Will Hunting Problem. Find the adjacency matrix of A and continue through with every other subset of the problem until the situation that riled you up passes or your forget what it was you were upset about. If you have successfully solved this problem, move forward to creating a time machine so that eventually, you can jump back and forth through time to avoid upsetting situations.
10. Go to Chuck E Cheese. With the amount of processed foods, inappropriate screen games, and child neglect happening in any Chuck E Cheese across the nation, your senses will overload and ultimately, shut down, before you can formulate a sentence.

The shaming, the cyber bullying, and the plain old bullying, need to stop. We have all been lifted and torn by the people around us. I refuse to be anything but a positive and supportive force to other people. I’ll help others just like those who’ve helped me. I may disagree with other people’s opinions but I will never judge them for trying their best. Sometimes I am right, and some other times, I am wrong. I won’t go as far as to say that right and wrong are subjective theories because in A LOT of situations, there is a right and wrong, but it is not my job to point it out to strangers and if it doesn’t say so on your W-2, it’s not yours either.

Let’s be good to each other, send a “hang in there” to the mother using the TV as a babysitter so she can have some peace while she finishes laundry. Smile at the mother bottle-feeding her baby instead of asking her if it’s breast milk. Let’s spread love, support, and discretion. The world will never lack judgement, so don’t try to fill the void that does not exist. Find a way to be a kind today, without using your opinion.